On decision making.

A decision is only wishful thinking until you take that first irreversible step. You can tell yourself that you have already decided, that nothing now can stop you, but if that step backwards is so much safer than step forwards, what will hold you true to your path when the going gets tough? Sometimes, the right thing to do is to take that first irreversible step, the one after which you cannot go back. And now, for you, is one of those times. Here I go.

My epiphany

I started thinking about this yesterday, and I guess the epiphany moment for me was that "weight-loss" itself can not, IS not, my "WHY." My "why" has to be more tied into what I want out of life, my long term dreams, my goals, my aspirations in life. How can I possibly get excited, how can I possibly dedicate myself to something that I have not linked to the more important things I want out of life. Yeah, I want to fit into smaller jeans, but c'mon, when I lay back on my deathbed and think of the important things in life, am I really going to reflect back to the day I finally fit into a pair of skinny jeans? Maybe, but probably not.

I realized that my "WHY" are my larger life goals, the things I want, my dreams, and that weight loss is merely one tiny step, one tiny part of that "why." A healthy lifestyle is merely a tool that will allow me to live longer and pursue the kind of active lifestyle I want. And I guess what I am saying is that somewhere along this journey I lost that perspective, and a little bit of myself, as well. I did ultimately come to view myself as a number on the scale and that was a measurement of success/failure that I clung too. And it was for that number that I worked the various programs, with the goal being to get skinny. And of course, I had other reasons "to improve my heath" and to feel better, but I completely lost what that meant or why it was important. Simply losing became the goal and, honestly, a shallow, unsustainable, and hollow one. No wonder I burnt out, no wonder I can't find dedication. If someone at the end of my life asked, "and what did you do with your life?" and my answer was "I lost a lot of weight," that would be really, really sad. And of course, not true, because I was a good mother, a good friend, a good wife, a caring person, but in terms of the goals that I set for myself and carried out, if losing was my only goal, I would not be satisfied, because losing weight in and of itself is simply not enough of a "why."

Getting skinny is not going to take me to my goals and dreams, but it is a step towards them, not something I am simply doing for getting skinny's sake. At the same time, that being said, there are a lot of other steps/transformations that I need to be doing at the same time I am working my towards my weight loss goals. My weight loss is not my lifelong dream, it is a step towards the kind of life I want, but that life is not going to be magically waiting there for me once I hit goal. Larger dissatisfaction's are not just going to melt away cause I am skinny. Shaky relationships are not going to miraculously improve just cause I got skinny. My self esteem is not going to magically improve because I am skinny (it may improve some, but so far, it hasn't). It just isn't. So, I have decided to go about this weight loss thing from a slightly different angle, not as a goal in and of itself, but as a step towards the larger things I want out of life.

My "WHY" is ultimately to be able to live the kind of life that I want to lead. I want to lead an active, fit lifestyle so that I don't ever feel my age. I want to be spared the kind of health problems my mom has. I want to be happy and proud of myself. Anyway, I am not sure that this makes sense to anyone outside my head. But I wanted to write it down for myself and share it...

on becoming vegetarian

Last week, I made the decision to become a vegetarian. After reading dozens of articles and several books, I decided to try it out for myself. Immediately after switching I noticed a boost in my energy levels and mental clarity. These short-term effects along with the knowledge that my health and the environment would continue to benefit from my decision allow me to stick with it.