My epiphany

I started thinking about this yesterday, and I guess the epiphany moment for me was that "weight-loss" itself can not, IS not, my "WHY." My "why" has to be more tied into what I want out of life, my long term dreams, my goals, my aspirations in life. How can I possibly get excited, how can I possibly dedicate myself to something that I have not linked to the more important things I want out of life. Yeah, I want to fit into smaller jeans, but c'mon, when I lay back on my deathbed and think of the important things in life, am I really going to reflect back to the day I finally fit into a pair of skinny jeans? Maybe, but probably not.

I realized that my "WHY" are my larger life goals, the things I want, my dreams, and that weight loss is merely one tiny step, one tiny part of that "why." A healthy lifestyle is merely a tool that will allow me to live longer and pursue the kind of active lifestyle I want. And I guess what I am saying is that somewhere along this journey I lost that perspective, and a little bit of myself, as well. I did ultimately come to view myself as a number on the scale and that was a measurement of success/failure that I clung too. And it was for that number that I worked the various programs, with the goal being to get skinny. And of course, I had other reasons "to improve my heath" and to feel better, but I completely lost what that meant or why it was important. Simply losing became the goal and, honestly, a shallow, unsustainable, and hollow one. No wonder I burnt out, no wonder I can't find dedication. If someone at the end of my life asked, "and what did you do with your life?" and my answer was "I lost a lot of weight," that would be really, really sad. And of course, not true, because I was a good mother, a good friend, a good wife, a caring person, but in terms of the goals that I set for myself and carried out, if losing was my only goal, I would not be satisfied, because losing weight in and of itself is simply not enough of a "why."

Getting skinny is not going to take me to my goals and dreams, but it is a step towards them, not something I am simply doing for getting skinny's sake. At the same time, that being said, there are a lot of other steps/transformations that I need to be doing at the same time I am working my towards my weight loss goals. My weight loss is not my lifelong dream, it is a step towards the kind of life I want, but that life is not going to be magically waiting there for me once I hit goal. Larger dissatisfaction's are not just going to melt away cause I am skinny. Shaky relationships are not going to miraculously improve just cause I got skinny. My self esteem is not going to magically improve because I am skinny (it may improve some, but so far, it hasn't). It just isn't. So, I have decided to go about this weight loss thing from a slightly different angle, not as a goal in and of itself, but as a step towards the larger things I want out of life.

My "WHY" is ultimately to be able to live the kind of life that I want to lead. I want to lead an active, fit lifestyle so that I don't ever feel my age. I want to be spared the kind of health problems my mom has. I want to be happy and proud of myself. Anyway, I am not sure that this makes sense to anyone outside my head. But I wanted to write it down for myself and share it...